I joined an online dating site today. I’m not sure it’s for me. I’ve had my profile up for 4 hours and I’ve already received 30-some messages and my profile has been viewed many, many times. It creeps me out a little in a way I can’t put my finger on. It’s giving me huge levels of anxiety.
I’m not looking for love because I don’t believe in it and I’m not looking toward a one night stand because the logistics bother me. All I really want right now is someone to be my “plus one” for events and maybe someone to go out to dinner with from time to time because I feel weird going to my favorite restaurants alone. (To clarify, I don’t feel weird going out to eat alone, but my favorite places are slightly upscale and no one brings their laptops.) However, there’s not a space for that on the questionnaire and just stating it outright bothers me.
Plus I think I picked a stupid username. I didn’t realize that most people don’t use their real names and I did.
All I can focus on are the “deal-breakers” that will inevitably end any potential relationship. I’m 26 and divorced. My family is fucked up and mostly consists of my ex-husband’s family. I have PTSD.
My aunt has called me out on this before. I always worry about what others will think of me but never what I will think of others. I don’t have a list of deal-breakers. My standards are vague and change based on the person or situation. I want to be treated well, but I don’t care if the person who treats me will is a man or woman, tall or short, white or black or any ethnicity, mentally ill or completely sane, white trash or from a nice family, poor or rich, whatever. I’m not saying that none of these things will ever matter, but they don’t matter on their own. I figure that I have a whole train full of baggage, maybe I should give others a chance before judging.
I’ve felt so off this past week and a half. I’m upset for no reason. I want to cry but can’t. I want to leave my apartment but the weather has made it not worth the effort. I feel like my cat is rejecting me. My hair looks stupid. Everything’s off but nothing is actually wrong.
I’m trying so hard to improve myself. I’ve started learning Spanish again. I’m giving serious consideration into going back to school, and even coming to terms with the fact that I should go back for a real degree rather than following my dreams. I’m cooking for myself more often. I’m wearing makeup every day. I’m doing really well.
But I feel like I should be dating again. It’s been 15 months since I left my ex. I want more out of my life than marathoning TV shows in my pjs all day. I want something fulfilling.
I’ve been trying to sell my wedding dress and veil at a consignment shop. There’s been a lot of interest, but so far no one’s bought them. I’m not terribly surprised; my dress was unique. Not many people are looking for a black and white 40′s inspired dress, and, of those who are, how many are a size 10? I have to go into the shop every 90 days to re-consign it, which means I have to take the dress off the rack and bring it up to the desk. It’s the prettiest dress in the whole world. I looked so beautiful in it and I had so many dreams. I had to go in last Sunday. That was the same day I cleaned my apartment and decided it was time to take my wedding ring out of my ring holder and put it away somewhere. It’s not like I’m going to wear it casually. I tried to slip it on one last time, but it didn’t fit my finger. Probably because I’d been cleaning the toilet and my hands were swollen from the hot water, but still. I had dreams. I thought I’d found love and a stable future, but I didn’t. All that’s gone and my life is empty.
I don’t want my ex back, but I wouldn’t mind getting back the last 8 years. Or, at least, I wouldn’t mind not feeling lost. It always seems to come back to desire verses practicality. Do I follow my dreams or settle? Settling is the practical option, and that’s what I did 8 years ago. Look where it got me. Was that a mistake or did I just settle with the wrong person? How am I supposed to know what the right decision is? Will I just exist in this limbo if indecision until everything is decided for me?
I have no problem with responsibility. I’m good in a crises. I make a somewhat decent girlfriend/fiancee/wife. I’m a good aunt. I’m smart and talented. But I have so much anxiety that I fear I will never get anywhere because I’m too scared to do anything new.
I’m giving my profile a week. If I still feel this was next Tuesday, I’m deleting it.