Let’s Talk About Sex (Baby)

First of all, I apologize for getting that terrible song in your head. If you don’t know what song I’m talking about, please take a moment and appreciate yourself.

Okay, I learned the other night that I am more damaged than I previously suspected. I have some severe intimacy issues. If you don’t want to hear about my sex life, stop reading here.

Still in?

Here goes:

Night before last, I had my first threesome. It was great until I started crying and left. Let’s explore why I freaked out, shall we?

1. There was too much attention focused on me. And it was all positive. They were patient enough to bring me all the way to orgasm, which is a first. They watched me and wanted more from me and all of a sudden, it was too much. I’ve never had one person that focused on me, let alone two. I could handle having things done to me while being watched, but suddenly the thought of doing things to someone else while being watched was more than I could handle.

2. I am more attracted to the woman than the man and I got super panicky that I was giving her too much attention or that I was ignoring her so no one suspected that I was more into her. It was too much. I just wanted it to be over so I could relax.

3. They really like me. I have kept sex and emotions separate for a long time. I don’t care about them the way they care about me and I’m uncomfortable being with people who actually care about me.

4. They live half a block away from where I was living when I got married. So when I was freaking out and having a panic attack while chain smoking and driving home at 1 A.M., I had to drive past my old apartment, and my house, and the place where I got my tattoo right before the wedding, and the DMV where we always went together so neither of us had to be bored, and all of these other relationship landmarks that I’d prefer to not think about.

So, I’ve been avoiding these two because I don’t know how to explain any of this without sounding any crazier than I actually am. We’ve been out twice, but they keep texting because they’re concerned about me and still want to see me again.

I cancelled all of my plans yesterday and went shopping. Retail therapy helped a bit, but it didn’t solve all my problems.