Money Money Money

I have identified most of my triggers and I am getting better at controlling and curbing my reactions by the day. There’s one exception: money.

I am poor. I work retail. I live alone with my cat in the city. My rent is 40% of my income. My other bills make up another 15%. Groceries, gas, cat food, litter, toilet paper, hair dye, and all those other little things that add up so quickly take up the rest of my income. I try very hard to stick to a budget, and I’m pretty good at it for the most part, but it doesn’t leave much for me to save. If I’m lucky, I can put away $100/month, but more often than I’d like, some small emergency (or large emergency) comes up and that money is gone.

My brakes went out in December. Luckily it was perfectly timed so my Christmas money from my grandparents covered it with nothing left over. The mechanic also found a crack in my radiator, which I couldn’t afford to fix at the time. Still can’t, but it needs to be done. So my car’s at the shop.

I need it fixed now so I can drive to Wisconsin in a couple weeks for a school tour. I’ve decided I’m going back to school. I picked a school, found a place to live, and set up an appointment for a tour. I have yet to apply, so nothing’s a sure thing, but I’m looking forward to it. Other than the whole not having a job and having to live off of loans for the foreseeable future. That terrifies me and makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry.

This month is going to be tough. I’m not sure how I’m going to afford it all and I’m panicking.

Here’s the thing, though: I wouldn’t have to worry so much if I cancelled my tattoo appointment tomorrow.

But I can’t! I haven’t been in since 2011 and my back piece is 2/3 completed. I have had this money set aside for this specific purpose for months and I refuse to let it go. If I’m going to move out of state to go to school, I want my back piece done beforehand. It’s been too long and, even though I’m scared of how bad it will hurt (there’s a big patch of scar tissue), even though I can’t afford it, I need to do this. I need to. I can’t be rational about it.

Yep. I’m fighting off a panic attack because I don’t know how I’m going to pay my bills but I’m going to drop a few hundred dollars on a tattoo. I’m an idiot. I know.

It feels like I am suddenly afraid to be an adult. I’d been doing so well. I’ve been responsible for so long. I’ve paid all of my bills on time and my pets have never gone hungry. I got my goddamn adoption certification. I am a divorced adult who has worked at the same place for 5 and a half years, which is damn impressive for someone who is 26 years old.

Now that all feels scary, though. I just want to sit in my underwear and watch tv. It’s not depression; I know what depression feels like. I just want to be irresponsible with my money, just this once. But I can’t do it without severe anxiety.

And I have the money song from Cabaret in my head.